Are We Really Alcoholics?

We don't like the word alcoholic. We prefer the word "fun". All of us are very fun! If one of us were to take a standard "Are you an alcoholic?" test, chances are that we would be labelled as "alcoholics". However, we feel that these tests are rather ludicrous. Below we examine and comment upon one of these so-called "tests" of alcoholism.

Are You An Alcoholic?

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can. (Yes/No)

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?

We don't consider less time at work a loss. Also, one member is not currently employed. Bad question.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

No. It makes it FUN!

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

Yes. We are intensely shy wallflowers who need the sauce to blossom to our full potential.

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

This question is not specific as to whether drinking affects our reputations negatively or positively. Generally, we find drinking to be good for our reputations. Comments such as "Oh damn Jenny, you drink like a fish!" and "You are a futsking legend!" are commonplace. As we find this pseudo-hero worship rather endearing and flattering, we'll give this one a yes.

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

In what sense? With regards to what? This question also is just not specific enough. However, if we were to speculate that remorse can be caused by things like: ordering a maly pivo (small beer) instead of a normal one, puking, not being able to drink flaming B-52 shots because you are scared you will catch on fire, and other things such as this we can answer yes to this one as well.

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?

Financial difficulties are present regardless of drinking habits. We're just plain poor. Anyway, beer is 90% water, and you need 8 glasses of water a day to be healthy so beer intake actually helps you with your daily water intake requirement. Let's give this a no.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

Take a look around. Would we hang out with each other otherwise?

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

What family?

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

Once again, a horrible question. Ambition towards/in regards to what? We are very ambitious in our quest to drink pivo. We don't consider that our overall ambition in life has decreased, although it may have found different outlets than in the past.

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time of day?

What time is it?

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

Next morning after what? Every morning? Did a drunk write this test?

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

It helps!

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

No, we can definitely drink much faster than before. Topalky is evidence of this.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

Are they using job or business as a euphemism for something else?

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

What worries and troubles? All I can focus on is this really good pivo in my hand.

16. Do you drink alone?

Is this an existential question? Are we all really alone even when we are amongst other people? Do they mean physically or emotionally alone?

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?

I can't remember.

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

Dr. Pivo has cured many an illness...

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

Can we have a drink before making this decision? We're not really sure what to say otherwise.

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

They wouldn't let us into the one in Cesky Krumlov!

According to the test:
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

What do you think?

More importantly-
How do you score on this test? Na zdravi!